Thurs PM

One of the main motivating forces in my life, more and more, is just sadness. I used to be motivated by a kind of burning hunger, a continually vibrating discontent that was always there. Discontent is very painful, especially when we're not in touch with what is really going on inside us. Our hands are on the wheel and we don't even realize that we're not actually the ones driving the car.

And, more I pay attention to myself, the more I find myself deepening. Each day, over and over again I notice myself reacting to some tiny event. I have been paying attention to this for so long now that I often can choose not the follow that reaction. I just decide not to go down that road. And in the moment of making that choice I almost simultaneously find that the reaction transforms itself into a deep sadness that is also a kind of gentleness. That gentleness is a kind of sensitivity.

It is a willingness to be open and let the world in. So instead of fighting back, and pushing outwards, I gently let reality in.

The discontent is still there. I still vibrate and burn inside. But the burning is less and less in charge. More and more what motivates me is only what needs doing in this moment, right now. And this one. And this one. I am no longer just driven by the discontent. I drive the car some of the time now. I transform the energy and use it as fuel for my own tenderness.